the hubcap romance

new song: Every Shining Time You Arrive by Sunny Day Real Estate. click the vertical line in the gray box to play (yesss, optional music at last). if there's no box, press ctrl+n. i picked it on a whim, so give me your feedback !
h0La chiquis: can't scroll all the way down on the page? do this: restore the window down (make it small) and then maximize/restore it again. this should do the trick. if it doesn't, then just mess w/ it for a while; hehe.
bueno suerte !
~ps: this post will always stay on top of everything, so that you can see it if you can't scroll down (duh). don't comment on it, cuz it'll get deleted. pick another entry, por favor. ;)

there could be hope.
Brand New, November 10th, not sold out.
but
i have to have an adult with me. grrreat. even if any of my friends actually liked Brand New, i'm not even sure if i could bear the shame of my dad coming with us. he's not dorky, but it's the gypsy tea room.
honestly.
we'll see.

i have a xanga !

"So sick so sick of being tired, and oh so tired of being sick..."
---Taking Back Sunday: You Know How I Do
i'll have been sick for three weeks this wednesday. i can't say i'm enjoying every minute of it, but a few things have been funny... for instance, i think that margaret just realized last night that i wasn't in the best of health, and was very supportive in saying things like, "dude, i think you might be sick. like, really." and here's a good one: (after i cough) "hey, can't you like, shut your mouth when you do that ?"
rrroight. lately, i tend to gasp for air for a second after i cough, which freaks everyone out and amuses me, since i'm so used to it. my coughs are also apparently abnormal, since seven people so far have said "bless you" in response to one. is it weird that i'm laughing at all of this ? it's an alternative to feeling like crap, i guess.
today, i forgot to eat. strange, especially for me. i was decorating the walls of my room, when i suddenly got ravenous at 4:40. my mom said dinner would be "in a sec," and wouldn't let me eat anything. at 5:00 i couldn't control the movement in certain areas of my face, but now that it actually was close to dinner, i still couldn't eat anything. i probably would have lost all feeling in the rest of my body and passed out if my dad hadn't surprised me with Waiting, the first Thursday CD (sorry, hellen !), which revived me a little.
i doubt i will leave home without music again. i spent an hour wandering the mall solo friday night with 2 CDs and no player, and then did the same thing on saturday at sam's house. if she hadn't had one, i would have had to endure the amazingly horrible tunes of stacie orrico for half an hour, or at least for as long as it took me to realize the balcony's convenient location next to the stereo. ::dark laughter:: i'm so proud of my enthusiastic hatred of pop culture... today, my mom walked in as TBS was blasting and made a face. just for fun, i played the most demonic track of my System of A Down mix on the spot. i'm sure i've provoked more than one prayer for my soul this afternoon. hehehe.
i need to find a healthy way to have fun.

"If it makes you less sad, I will die by your hand..."
In the words of Mix Tape, by Brand New, I am "a sucker for anything acoustic." the song currently strumming my heartstrings is the acoustic version of The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot by Brand New... i desperately want it to be the song on this thing, but i cannot find a download of it for the life of me.
i love emo. i'm out of denial.
but what exactly is emo ? at the moment, the music industry is basically throwing the label onto anything "alternative" that isn't punk rock, which pisses me off... but i guess you can't blame them. the most vague, "underground" category that they can find seems perfect for tossing all that annoyingly uncategorizable music into. that one Rufio song doesn't sound as upbeat as the rest ? emo. that new band's sound a little less processed ? emo. hell, if the title "new age" had never emerged, enya would probably be emo too (don't hesitate to shudder at that).
but like all categories and titles and descriptions of certain genres, it's all a matter of opinion. mtv calls Chris Carrabba the "King of Emo," so naturally all the self-proclaimed "emokids" out there have rejected DC on the terms that, if it's popular, it's not emo anymore, or at least not anything good. unfortunately, though these terms are narrow and stereotypical, i can see where they're coming from. any real Dashboard Confessional fan has seen the change in Carrabba's music since mtv started worshipping the ground he walked on. he's more processed, more mainstream, more publicly acknowledged and less loved by his original fans. but he's still Chris, and despite what many say, his new cd is not anything less than really good--- just different in a way that some people aren't fond of.
what do i think ? with all the debate between small-minded emokids and superficial industries, i almost don't care.... but i also don't think of DC as anything other than emo.
i'm questioning why i'm even writing this, since i'm so against categories of any kind. i guess i've just wanted to express the formation of my opinion on this, even though it will definitely come off as stereotypical (damn). feel free to disagree, or just nod robotically; whichever you're comfy with.
we'll start off with the supposed definition. emo means emotional; the artists put alot of emotion into their music. welllll, if it's that simple, then why is the genre's meaning so elusive ? in the search for definition, the word that arises isn't emotional, it is emotive. the difference ? all music is emotional--- what song doesn't have to do with it ? but emotive is different-- instead of just singing, "I am sad" artists attempt to let the listener feel every note in the song as "a tear or sob pursued by the hardships of broken hearts and unforgettable loves." (Defining Emo) really, really hard to explain until you hear someone sobbing at the song's climax, not caring if they hit the high notes or not.
and that's where my general feel of the music arises from: sadness. to me, emo is really all about the expression of raw emotion without a processed sound... jarring melody, tears for inspiration, lyrics that mean something, if only to the person singing them.
as "punk" rock is now so mainstream, widespread, and sing-songy, with the new "rebellion" of being individual and misunderstood instead of government defiance (hey avril), no fans of that happy sort of punk tune really realize that they're conforming rather than rebelling. Look around. We're in an age now where not-agreeing openly with the government basically makes you a terrorist. the origin of punk is anarchy, not sporting an American flag and Converses and calling yourself original. not saying you have to be an anarchist, but spiking your hair and complaining won't do anything but make you look like either an idiot or an artificial badass, which is basically the same thing.
back to the subject. it's really much easier to tell what emo is by knowing what it is not. it's not usually mainstream, or at least not mainstream-sounding. it's not poppy. it can be hard (i.e., emo-core & screamo), but it can be very, very soft--- but never is it light and sing-songy. it can be political, angsty, highly personal, or just love-lorn, but never without depth.
so who plays this stuff ? i'm scared to name any names, because i'm not into it enough to know who "is" and who "isn't"... name droppers get eaten alive on this particular subject. but "emokids" and fans often get lashed at by the worshippers of other genres, because of the sensitivity of the music and the feminism and often nerdiness of the people. Knot.Magazine describes, in a negative but fairly truthful way, what i'm talking about: "You can get into a hundred pointless debates about the definition and origin of emo, but today the word mainly refers to guitar rock bands made of mopey white guys who write sensitive, diary-excerpt lyrics. There are big, distorted guitars and impassioned (sometimes whiney) vocals coming from guys with messy haircuts, thick glasses and tight, vintage T-shirts." yeah, that is what often happens. i rather dislike the term "mopey"... but i can see the author's point. emo guys are often very feminine and sometimes homosexual, so they get picked on alot. also, emokids can be really, reallllly whiny and uncharacteristicly sad, but this is often for image and because they can, generally, be brats. it's probably easier to act that way than to stand up to punks adorned with patches that say, "don't cry emokid !" or something more insulting. in response, i want a t-shirt in the same font that says, "don't conform, punk kid ! oh, wait..." but that's just me. i doubt they'd get it anyway...
more reason for the rap they get (from the same article): "While they've gotten some mainstream recognition, emo kids remain easy targets for seen-it-all hipsters. After all, they wear their broken hearts on their sleeves, they aren't known for pushing too many musical boundaries and they are, by and large, middle-class, educated white kids from good families." true. but it's better than pretending you live on the street by safety-pinning all your clothes together and calling yourself what you want to be viewed as (see Good Charlotte).
but SPIN magazine does put it in a positive, and explanatory light: "[Emo is] a rock subgenre primarily distinguished (like all good rock subgenres) by its participating bands' steadfast refusal to acknowledge their role in it." how nice, and true. the day The Get-Up Kids call themseves emo will be the day their fans pack up and leave, and most bands know that.
so who am i siding with ? (this knot.mag article, "In Defense of Emo" really does kick): "I don't think I could listen to emo all the time. There's only a certain amount of self-pity that I can indulge in before I feel like I would want to kick my own ass, but its sense of urgency, sincerity and melody are exactly what is missing from a lot of modern music."
yep.
it's mellow, it's aggressive, it's agitated music. it's hard to define, it's mysterious, it's misunderstood. it can be whiny, and it can be epiphany, but it's totally contradictory. nerdy, angst-filled, weepy, wonderful... does it matter which you decide on ?
it's up to you.
"i'm out of the emo-closet: i'm a white kid who loves loud guitars." ---Dan Miller (& me)
so shoot me... but i'll block my own shot anyway.

i dreamt about it last night.
riding in the car with mom, in a fairly good mood, open conversation filling the air.
ya know those things that "almost" happen on the road ?
having to jolt the steering a little to avoid some oblivious driver, changing lanes just in time, maybe almost crashing, but laughing about it afterwards.
i thought it would be one of the "almosts," and i was wrong.
nothing is clearer to me than the memory of those few seconds...
i was watching the concrete in front of us, the middle of the road, looking, really, at nothing in particular, but still with my attention outside of the vehicle. that car was pulling out too fast, and we swerved a little, and i remember thinking that it would be an almost, a close call... but never actual impact.
i turned my head left, and the world within my gaze-- and beyond it-- shifted.
my mind couldn't comprehend why it was coming so fast, and why it was coming at me. that just didn't happen, it couldn't happen...
and all at once the incredible realization slammed into me, as those hubcaps caught the light and rebelled against the pavement, coming nearer, so intensely fast...
and a cold, metal claw seized my heart, choking it, and i couldn't move, couldn't breathe, and most of all, couldn't scream...
and it was this not screaming that felt so unnatural, because it was what i was supposed to be doing, it was what mom was doing, it was what they always did, and i couldn't, because it was too real this time...
this wasn't a movie, or a ride-- this was terror, and it wouldn't be confused with the logic of needing to scream, or move, or breathe, because i was immovable, and it was because i was waiting...
waiting for those hubcaps to escape my line of vision when they ultimately came much, much too close...
and in those 2 moments-- seconds, lifetimes, whatever they were-- i knew, with a sudden and surprising clarity of thought, that i was going to die.
in all that emotion, that was my single thought, because it dimmed all the others around it and put them to rest.
and i wondered why it was now, when i was so not ready to go, and i knew that God would tell me, but i didn't want it to be now nonetheless...
the shadows inside the car were writhing, competing with the light, and it finally came, all of a sudden; the impact occured...
and i remember seeing the water in the paper cup in front of me slowly churn up and overflow to the left, and i did the same thing, the seatbelt cutting into my sunburn and every part of me screaming except for my mouth...
and then it was over, and it had taken two seconds, and it had changed everything.
mom screamed a little, and i was screaming inwardly, "did that just happen ?!" and in the end, all i could say was "oh my God," and realize that i wasn't dead, and wonder, childishly, why.
mom said some things, but the shock was still there, and we maneuvered the minivan over to the gas station's parking lot with a great scraping of metal, and the fateful car did the same.
after that, the only talk that really hits me was the phrase, repeated constantly, of it not being that bad. she hadn't been going that fast, we hadn't been going that fast, no one was really hurt except for a little bit of back pain on my mom's part, etc.
but it really was that bad...
how could they have not seen those hubcaps flying, and the shadows inside the car bracing themselves for the jolt ?
and why was i the only one who was equipped with the knowledge that i was going to die ?
mom hadn't been, the lady with stringy hair, Elvis sunglasses that hid half her face, sickening teeth, a peasant shirt and a cigarette hadn't been either.
but to me, the sky had never seemed so bright and unending, the ground so smooth, my room so vibrantly alive that i couldn't sleep.
i wondered what it would have been like if i'd never gotten a chance to tell the people i knew how much they meant to me, how much i admired them, enjoyed seeing their faces...
things are relatively normal now, but i won't forget.
and every time i do, i know the dream will come back, and it will probably be my salvation.
"the spinning hubcaps set the tempo for the music of a broken window..."

today, i am officially blessing the things that make life worth living.
i'm not talking about the big things, like God or nature or family... i'm talking about the littlest of the little things; the things that get you through the day.
i know there are some people who love school with unadultered bubbliness, but i am not one of these people. in fact, i think that school reeks in general, & i know many feel the same. so how do we cope ?
today, my day sucked. nothing went right, and even though not much went wrong, it was this dizzy lingering of the medium that made me want to bash my head against the flagpole with the force of a falling elevator. now, good things did happen-- i'm not a complete depressed maniac-- but i didn't really think about them at the time.
so i was feeling crummy and bored and sick and stressed all at once, and it wasn't pleasant. but after school, when i got home, i was practically skipping. why ? my crush smiled at me. yeah, that's it. one second was the remedy for 7+ hours of dulled misery. i know i'm an idiot, but once i realized that such a small thing changed my entire outlook, i started to wonder. it may not be a boy/girl, of course, but think of the things that get you through the day. there has to be one little thing. i know this because it's human instinct-- to find the best part of the day and live for it, even if you live for nothing else. it could be a teacher, a subject, a friend, the temperature of a classroom (if you're laughing, you're not from clark)... anything, really. and if one thing could change everything, then wouldn't changing everything for someone else feel especially good ? i passionately hate how typical and sickenly optimistic i sound right now, but somehow i have managed to not delete everything i've written, so it must be worth posting. if it helps, just try not to think of it as an "inspirational message," since those don't seem to work.
i am constantly in search of things to make the day more bearable. you could wish me luck and hope that i find something--- or, you could be that something.
chEers.

"Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and cannot remain silent."
---Victor Hugo
what is it about music ? at this point, i honestly don't think i could live without it... serious thought would be given to choosing it over food and water. why does some music grab you by the throat, while some leaves you untouched ?
"Music was invented to confirm human loneliness."
---Lawrence Durrell
and when it hits you in that way, you can never put your finger on just where it does, or why, or how... i love that feeling. people ask me why i like such "weird bands." i don't know myself, but i do know that i love finding things that sort of seize me, and they usually just happen to be located outside the mainstream.
"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
---Red Auerbach
do anyone's musical tastes stay the same ? mine sure as hell don't. i used to like pop-- i won't lie and say that i always had good taste (you can laugh at that for more than one reason).
"Extraordinary how potent cheap music is."
---Noel Coward
i've been through a million phases... jazz, swing, latin, hard rock, classic rock, alternative rock, classical, r&b, emo, hip hop, big band, country, new age, pop rock... and i'm thankful that i've met them all on different scales. i'm proud to not stand for just one category.
"Music possesses much richer means of expression, and it is a more subtle medium for translating the 1000 shifting moments of the feelings of the soul."
---Peter Ilich Tchaikovsky
there will always be mixes that i embrace, because different music styles trigger different things. I love Miles Davis' My Funny Valentine. I love U Got it Bad by Usher. I love Frank Sinatra, I love Juanes, I love 3rd Strike, and Enya, and Aerosmith. and then come the immediate favorites; Dashboard, & Thursday, & Matchbook, & TBS, & Brand New, and that one Coldplay song that I will never tire of... these favorites will change, but i will too.
"Music should never be harmless."
---Robbie Robertson
at the moment, i happen to like the political angst in the song playing now ("For the Workforce, Drowning" by Thursday), but I know I'll come across one that defines me better later. who will it be ? Matchbook ? Saosin ? Plans for Revenge ? Light The Sky ? Thrice ? Maybe The Rocket Summer, or even Vienna Teng. I just don't know... and that's the beauty of it.
"Music is the key to the female heart."
---Johann G. Seume
it's amazing how music ties into everything... for some, it defines what we do, what we say, and what we are attracted to. for me, if i'm drawn to anything at all, it's musical passion. not necessarily having the same musical tastes as i do, but being as fanatical as i am about it.
"Not everyone is going to like what I do, and that's something I can accept. If everyone liked what I did, I probably wouldn't be playing anything of depth."
---Joshua Redman
how do you know if you're a true music fan ? i automatically think of pop culture junkies as generally ignorant, but maybe repetition is what certain people conform to and relate to and accept. it doesn't make sense, but it's a possibility. i just haven't seen that expressed yet; how someone can be passionate about ignorantly happy, processed beats unless they're ignorantly happy and processed themselves...oh.
"Without music life would be a mistake."
---Friedrich Nietzsche
And so my suspicions have been confirmed.