the hubcap romance

today, i am officially blessing the things that make life worth living.
i'm not talking about the big things, like God or nature or family... i'm talking about the littlest of the little things; the things that get you through the day.
i know there are some people who love school with unadultered bubbliness, but i am not one of these people. in fact, i think that school reeks in general, & i know many feel the same. so how do we cope ?
today, my day sucked. nothing went right, and even though not much went wrong, it was this dizzy lingering of the medium that made me want to bash my head against the flagpole with the force of a falling elevator. now, good things did happen-- i'm not a complete depressed maniac-- but i didn't really think about them at the time.
so i was feeling crummy and bored and sick and stressed all at once, and it wasn't pleasant. but after school, when i got home, i was practically skipping. why ? my crush smiled at me. yeah, that's it. one second was the remedy for 7+ hours of dulled misery. i know i'm an idiot, but once i realized that such a small thing changed my entire outlook, i started to wonder. it may not be a boy/girl, of course, but think of the things that get you through the day. there has to be one little thing. i know this because it's human instinct-- to find the best part of the day and live for it, even if you live for nothing else. it could be a teacher, a subject, a friend, the temperature of a classroom (if you're laughing, you're not from clark)... anything, really. and if one thing could change everything, then wouldn't changing everything for someone else feel especially good ? i passionately hate how typical and sickenly optimistic i sound right now, but somehow i have managed to not delete everything i've written, so it must be worth posting. if it helps, just try not to think of it as an "inspirational message," since those don't seem to work.
i am constantly in search of things to make the day more bearable. you could wish me luck and hope that i find something--- or, you could be that something.
chEers.

"Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and cannot remain silent."
---Victor Hugo
what is it about music ? at this point, i honestly don't think i could live without it... serious thought would be given to choosing it over food and water. why does some music grab you by the throat, while some leaves you untouched ?
"Music was invented to confirm human loneliness."
---Lawrence Durrell
and when it hits you in that way, you can never put your finger on just where it does, or why, or how... i love that feeling. people ask me why i like such "weird bands." i don't know myself, but i do know that i love finding things that sort of seize me, and they usually just happen to be located outside the mainstream.
"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
---Red Auerbach
do anyone's musical tastes stay the same ? mine sure as hell don't. i used to like pop-- i won't lie and say that i always had good taste (you can laugh at that for more than one reason).
"Extraordinary how potent cheap music is."
---Noel Coward
i've been through a million phases... jazz, swing, latin, hard rock, classic rock, alternative rock, classical, r&b, emo, hip hop, big band, country, new age, pop rock... and i'm thankful that i've met them all on different scales. i'm proud to not stand for just one category.
"Music possesses much richer means of expression, and it is a more subtle medium for translating the 1000 shifting moments of the feelings of the soul."
---Peter Ilich Tchaikovsky
there will always be mixes that i embrace, because different music styles trigger different things. I love Miles Davis' My Funny Valentine. I love U Got it Bad by Usher. I love Frank Sinatra, I love Juanes, I love 3rd Strike, and Enya, and Aerosmith. and then come the immediate favorites; Dashboard, & Thursday, & Matchbook, & TBS, & Brand New, and that one Coldplay song that I will never tire of... these favorites will change, but i will too.
"Music should never be harmless."
---Robbie Robertson
at the moment, i happen to like the political angst in the song playing now ("For the Workforce, Drowning" by Thursday), but I know I'll come across one that defines me better later. who will it be ? Matchbook ? Saosin ? Plans for Revenge ? Light The Sky ? Thrice ? Maybe The Rocket Summer, or even Vienna Teng. I just don't know... and that's the beauty of it.
"Music is the key to the female heart."
---Johann G. Seume
it's amazing how music ties into everything... for some, it defines what we do, what we say, and what we are attracted to. for me, if i'm drawn to anything at all, it's musical passion. not necessarily having the same musical tastes as i do, but being as fanatical as i am about it.
"Not everyone is going to like what I do, and that's something I can accept. If everyone liked what I did, I probably wouldn't be playing anything of depth."
---Joshua Redman
how do you know if you're a true music fan ? i automatically think of pop culture junkies as generally ignorant, but maybe repetition is what certain people conform to and relate to and accept. it doesn't make sense, but it's a possibility. i just haven't seen that expressed yet; how someone can be passionate about ignorantly happy, processed beats unless they're ignorantly happy and processed themselves...oh.
"Without music life would be a mistake."
---Friedrich Nietzsche
And so my suspicions have been confirmed.

i'm ashamed of myself.
it's wrong to be with someone, and the whole time wanting to be somewhere else...
isn't it ?
there are so many people i hang out with, chat with, sit at lunch with, whatever, who make me silently scream. i sit at lunch and eat, and listen. listen to their stories, their complaints, their artificial joys... and i say nothing. i don't tell them that they're boring or shallow... i sit there, and watch other tables, wishing i could be there, just so the conversation would be different. i listen to my friends speak in class or any other time, and i yell at them with my blank eyes... "why ?! why do you center your life around nothing at all ? why do you conform ? why--no, HOW, can you live like this, standing here ranting, not even noticing that i'm dying, because i can't embrace the desire to flee ?!" and why, God, why don't i ? do i really care about their feelings, their opinions, if i can even say all this ? i don't know. it's not everyone--- you probably know you're an exception if you really think about it. and if you really think about it, and you are one of these people, then ask yourself why.
please.

The Animal Rescue Site: feed an animal in need; each time someone clicks this option on the site, they donate some food to shelters. so D0 it.

i've been looking back alot today. in sixth grade, i wanted to fit in, be older, more confident. i felt younger than everyone around me, and it made me lacking and awkward. seventh grade: i mocked society and wanted to be as independent as possible. i also fell for a guy (truly fell), which aged me more than a few years by itself. eighth grade: i actually felt generally accepted, and rediscovered girliness but got rid of my feminism (thank God). Now: i have absolutely no idea what i'm doing.
Ya know something i remember ? i always told myself in elementary school (when faced with ridicule from adults), that, in later years, i would remember that i really was interested in boys, despite my years. Adults acted like you couldn't have a crush if you were in 4th grade, and it infuriated me. but now i get it. crushes will be there practically from birth, but in fourth grade, did you really want to grab someone and kiss them every time you saw them ? no, because it was scary. Now it's more along those lines; stronger physical attraction instead of just idealism. But it makes it so much harder... Now, can anyone at all relate to what I've just said ? It would be nice to know.
...and to kiss him every time i see him......

i've been rereading... how sad. having a place to vent is nice, but that makes it nice only for me. sure, these are my thoughts... but i have found with contemplation that jarring frusterations and more passionate, detailed protests are far more provocative than my current "raging hormone of the week." and what do they provoke ? thought, emotion... something more than one gets from drooling at a pretty monitor, hopefully. i'm not saying that i feel the need to rob this thing of all stupidity (let's not attempt the impossible), but i think i'll try to shove a little more "educated insolence" into the mix. we'll see how far i get...
wish me luck.

i can't believe it. b-days-- wonderful b-days!-- have lost their fun. i'm in shock. i just had a couple periods switched, but it's changed everything. i'm not comfortable with anything, except maybe humanities (btw, very nice song, alex). i can't even put my finger on what's wrong, but it's there... it's been 6 weeks already ! i'm supposed to be USED to things by now !!! even outside the change, everything's so foreign... what to do, what to do. i miss having actual goals. now, i just want to pass everything and feel at home, but both have left me pretty empty. i don't know what i want to act like, dress like, be like--- & it's driving me craaazy. wait--- HOLY SHIT, i sound like a frikking teen novel: "all stephanie wants is to find herself..." AHHHHH ! someone shoot me; oh, PLEASE just shoot me now !!! but really-- i need sommmething...
where's Amy when I need her ???
oh yeah... 2,000 miles away.

frank, bold genius right here folks... read WHEN YOU HAVE ALOT OF TIME.

"The person who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease to be amused."
- Shirley Maclaine
Today, rooting through the fridge, I found a large container apparently containing cream puffs. I opened it, and there was wrinkly gray chicken inside. I screamed bloody murder for 3 minutes straight, and then went to take a nap to reclaim my sanity. These are the things that define how utterly mental i am, and it's nice.
Today was the new schedule day ... It sucked. The math teacher made me take a quiz, assuming that I would know the material--- I didn't. I miss my BCIS period, and mrs. napoles (and her hair) is of the devil. But humanities was hilarious-- steph & i had an awesome time listening to the guys talk about their "cars." Rrroight. Thank God for laughter, & the fact that i can still laugh at myself !
And if i can't laugh at myself, i can always laugh at steph... it's basically the same thing.
;-)

something's seriously wrong with this... . .. . . .. . .... .

A solemn tradition, on the verge of extinction...
The intense pain my heart feels...
::sigh::

Confused about the world lately ? Not sure where your place is ? Fear not ! It all will become clear HERE.
i feel so wise.

i'm so nervous about tomorrow. for those of who who didn't hear, i got myself a schedule change. why, you ask ? i was overloaded. i've never dropped a class before-- it doesn't feel right. i've always had math trouble, but i would just keep trying really hard until i got ok in it. now, i've done that over and over again, and am still clueless. so something had to go, and thank God i'm still in IB and band and everything. this may seem selfish, but resigning to a regs class sort of feels like giving up. the fact that i didn't give up just makes it even more of an injury to my pride, since it still appears like that to the outside world.
so here i am, not too happy. at least there's a balance now--- i have a blow-off class, BCIS, on A-day. maybe the load A-days usually are will fade a little. but i miss my BCIS period; i'm guessing quite a few reading this know why.
i'm also dreading the end of this semester. what if i get moved down in band ? that would be wayyy too much, but i'm really not as good as anyone in symphonic. and then people will be moving up... and the same issue arises again. ::sigh:: there's too much to worry about, too much to dread... does it ever really stop ?
i don't think i'm a very lucky person.

ahhh, the beauty of a lazy saturday. sleeping in until white light flows in from the cracks around the shades, letting the carpet sink into your feet... i heart it. everything's slower and peaceful, because i save all the homework and chores and crap for sunday. on saturday, my parents usually don't make me do much-- it's my day for snoozing and wasting away in front of the computer or window or wherever. it never ceases to amaze me how, especially after this extra-hectic 6 weeks, i can listen to the same geoff rickley lullaby over and over and over again on saturday without interruption. of course, there are always little things to be done and said, but in general, it is relaxation in its purest form. i'm sad now, because saturday is gone... but there's only 6 days, 23 hours, 44 minutes and 43 seconds til it's back.
phew.

THEY FOUND NEMO ! (thanx hellen)

god i hope this blog thing works out. today, my mom's old friend from ohio or wherever came over for lunch. of course, i needed to make my "perfect daughter" impression: wearing lots of white and khaki with everything matching, doing my hair 'cute,' and talking about nothing but IB and how lucky i am to be in it. when i'm "grown-up," will i see my friends' kids act all perfect and actually not see through it ? the sad thing is, my parents never even have to tell me to do all this. it's automatic, wearing an infinitely smiling mask and actually looking groomed, not sick.
i hate khaki.

woo-hoo; i've always wanted a blog. besides the fact that I know nothing about html, this should be fun. should. let's see how far I take this... oh, about the name--- at first, i thought i chose it out of the blue, but i now realize that's false. my breakaway from pop culture was already done when I bought DC's The Swiss Army Romance, but this album perfected it. There's also a little relation to Matchbook Romance, a band absolutely awesome beyond comprehension. where did the hubcaps come in ? why, Thursday, of course. "The spinning hubcaps set the tempo for the music of a broken window" is my favorite lyric of any song out there. i have to show my respect for the poetry in Full Collapse, don't I ? so that's the name; a combo of my poetic worship, catchiness, and the roots of my musical soul.
all hail the twisted L.